Secret Optimism

Most things start from a place of pain and I’m no different. I am currently living in the condo my ex bought in Detroit and then asked me to move into with him. We had maybe 2-3 months of awkward bliss and then things became more awkward and less bliss. What could go wrong after 2 years or so of pandemic trauma and 2 weird ass people trying to come together to make a living situation and romantic commitment work? That’s just the pandemic trauma.

This is a great start to my blog. Come on, Shell. You have a lot more to talk about than your ex (I really do). I suppose I should mention that we broke up on my birthday. Is it possible I’m making this blog to ease my own pain? Do I want to give him that much credit? I don’t think it’s about him. However, I imagine I’ll bring him up periodically and I’m hoping that will become cathartic. In the meantime, you’re held captive to reading about him. At least he’s interesting.

The ex (let’s call him Ari), has since moved to California. I am now living here in the condo with the things he bought, his plants, furniture and even his cat. I adore the cat and will revisit that. For now, let’s just say things are weird and Ari and I mainly speak about how I’m going to pay him rent, utilities and my share of the phone plan we still have together. He holds my life in his hands and I hold his (cat).

Every day since this uncoupling, I’ve been trying to find a way to move on and even flourish - trying to live a grateful life. What I’m grateful for with Ari is the love we had, the care we took when we ended it, the fact that we can still talk and the knowledge I gained about how I want to be loved and how I want to be there for myself now. It’s been slower than I’d like. I had a timeline and budget in mind and that’s not going to plan. What great projects ever are? My hope is to become a secret optimist on the inside. For now, I take it day by day as a recovering cynic.