Secret Crush

Whoever coined the word “crush” was brilliant. I’m 41 and one thing I wish I could put on my resume is “very experienced in relationships” and yet I still can get a little stupid about someone. I’m not really bragging here but I’ve gained some wisdom from the sheer number of people I’ve ploughed through.

I think about my friend Amy who got married at 21, mainly out of fear that was instilled by her mother since grammar school. For a long time, I was jealous of her “success” and upset about losing my childhood friend. We were still kids and all of sudden, a road diverged in life and went two very opposite ways. I tried to hold on but she was wrapped up in newly married life. I was in college and then my world opened up. She remained in our hometown and dropped out of college to pay for his student debt. I wasn’t happy about this. My friend was missing out.

This was the first time a friend was used to replace my broken family and here they were, leaving me. I went searching for replacements. I was also trying to fix the inner child and went about it in some pretty destructive ways. I hurt many people and many people hurt me. I tried to believe that I was worthy of love but it became more difficult not to think I wasn’t the problem.

It’s never that simple.

So, what does this have to do with me having a crush? I barely know him so even if he turned out to be a great person, he wouldn’t be the person I made up in my head. Thus, he would disappoint me (if we somehow ended up together). To set up someone for failure is unfair and cruel to them. Yet, I’ve done it countless times. I’ve wanted people to save me from my problems and myself. The worst part about me is that I’m pretty good at luring people into my web. I learned this technique from my father - the schmoozer. I don’t know if I can even write about my dad without chucking my computer off the balcony so we’ll just leave it at that.

But let’s get back to the crush. Even though I don’t trust myself to speak to him, it doesn’t hurt to stalk his Instagram. He’s an artist so he has to do a lot of self-promotion, which means he shares a lot of personal stuff.

I’ve imagined my awkward ass trying to talk to him for the first time and mentioning his cat, his beautiful apartment and his love for Omakase.

The irony is that I once matched with him on Bumble, right before Ari and I got together. We even had a conversation and then I discovered he had a cat. I apologized and said I couldn’t date a guy with a cat and he was very understanding. I thought I was deathly allergic to cats at the time. Ari and I went on a date and then at dinner, mentioned his cat. I met her, sniffled and I was fine.

Am I upset about this? No. Ari is lovely. Have I given up on finding someone? No. I just don’t think I’m in a place where I can give much to any other person right now. I have a lot of work I still need to do on me.

One thing I find myself doing is giving advice to people. It’s not usually unsolicited, I’m pretty wary to speak to anyone. Do you remember people giving you advice in your teens and twenties? All I remember thinking is that they were annoying and old. I admit, I think I’m annoying and old(er) but I do wish I’d taken to heart some of the gems those oldies had taken the time to give to me. Some of it got in but my calloused heart was untrusting of elders after a childhood like mine.

When I write things like what I just wrote, I must stop and take a breath and recognize that this is a new day and the past is gone and unchangeable.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

I judged Amy’s life and assumed she was missing out. I went through a lot of FOMO in my life, especially when it had to do with having a crush. We never know how content people are with their lives. I’m currently unemployed, live alone with a borrowed cat, failed an IT certification exam yesterday and my friends live in different states. Yet, I feel more content than I have in years. I highly doubt I’d be more content if I was dating this crush of mine.

I’ll end with advice… have a crush! It’s kind of like a goal. You don’t need to end up with the person you’re crushing on in order to meet the goal.

The goal is to become the person you want to be so that your ideal mate would enjoy a healthy partnership.

And don’t forget to hydrate and get enough sleep.